So, it is my birthday this week. And Holy Week. And the Full Moon. And a full lunar eclipse.
And I was asking myself earlier today why I felt so much ambivalent and nervous energy. Hello.
But I just need to talk about my birthday for the moment, if you’ll indulge me. I usually keep my birthdate private. Having cyber stalkers a few years back has me still a little gun-shy of giving out identifiable personal information.
But I suppose in this past year’s choices of making myself “uncensored” it is fitting to go along with saying it’s ok now, and claiming my birthday again. It’s not on a favorite day of mine this year–it’s on Good Friday. And I’ve been having a really hard time with the number -49. Too close to 50.
I am used to embracing every milestone birthday-and have so far: 21, 30, 40. But I find I am having a hard time as I come up the 5th decade. I think it is for a couple of reasons–I feel a sense of urgency I’ve never had before. A sense that time is ticking down. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just a middle-age thing. But it frightens me–that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing, whatever that is. Have I loved enough? Have I forgiven situations and people? Have I done the right thing the best I could?
I am not worried about being a success. I know, that in the world’s eyes, I won’t be a success. I have turned away from the world’s values, and so it is inherent in that choice that it be so. But my self-defined success….have I done enough for that? And I don’t think I have, and I pray there is still time. Which sounds absolutely ludicrous, because really, there is no time from a spiritual perspective. Perhaps that’s the rub.
I’ve been having a hard time these days walking between the two edges of the worlds–human and spiritual. I think I’ve become too earth-dwelling these days that I forget what I REALLY believe. Have you ever done that? Learn something so important? Then forget it, and then have to relearn it?
I have to remember that as many earthly cares that I have, and while they may be important, I have chosen to act and live more from spirit than from my flesh. Fear, and anxiety have become two companions that I just don’t want anymore. I must trust my Path. I must trust God’s guidance, and I must trust myself in discerning His guidance–if if I’m truly going to continue to live from Spirit, which I am.
The Year I was born it was Holy Saturday. Saturdays are workdays, and they say that children who are born on Saturdays will work all their lives. OK. But being born on Holy Saturday? I like to think that I will have holy work to do all my life. 🙂
But this year, it’s on Good Friday. And I don’t like that at all. How can I celebrate Life, when Jesus died? Sounds codependent, I know. Even as I type these words I think to myself, that very few people will probably understand what I’m trying to say.
Good Friday reminds me of human and spiritual darkness. When I was writing many years ago an article that was very hard for me to write, I was in Le Mont Saint Michel at the time. I found the only way I could write about the dark subject was to hide myself in the sacristy of the cathedral, behind a pillar. I felt safe there. I was bathed in Light from the windows above, and surrounded by strong granite that would not move anywhere in the shifting tides. I need to be in Light, to have the Courage to talk of darkness.
These last several years have been very hard for me. It is difficult to see the Light. Outside of me, as well as inside of me. And then to even trust it.
But that is exactly what I must do. Trust the Light. Even when it’s behind the clouds.
To be worried about a number is silly. My spirit is far older than 49 years. That number only signifies the time I’ve spent on this planet, in this life. As I used to think, birthdays are badges of courage.
And so long as I stay committed to goodness, and acting from it, I MUST be on the right path.
And even though my birthday is on Good Friday this year, hold on. Easter is coming.