The last several months I’ve shared with you that I have been way out of my comfort zone. Some of it, I have willing gone there, as I study for my MFA in Filmmaking.
Some of it, was completely unexpected. As I was prepared to devote a time in my life, for the first time, to my own dreams, direction, influence, I felt as if the person I trusted hijacked my life. It was not about me. It was about them. All along. I put my life on hold again, and by the time I woke up, my own resources were gone.
I felt lied to, betrayed. Angry. I even felt hatred, which is completely out of my comfort zone.
I had to start all over again. This time with nothing.
The last few months, I’ve dealt with an emotional and spiritual boot camp. Struggling with issues of faith- that this was NOT what God had intended for me. This was just an act of someone’s free will, and with God, He will bring something wonderful out of it for me. The Plan has not been lost.
It has been an emotional boot camp for me. Namely, the hatred had to be rooted out and destroyed within me. I cannot have a sick heart, or everything else on me becomes ill. That is the core of me- my heart. If it is ok, I have a chance to come through whatever adversity I’m going through. I am not lost.
There have been angels and wickedness along the way, like all good stories, even if it is the one I wake up to each morning.
I suppose now, it is time for the physical boot camp. Some of you know that I have some health issues, though I do not want to mention them more than that here, because I’m trying not to focus on them. Instead, I must focus on my strength, as I lift and arrange over 400 lbs of stock, (not all at once, thank goodness!), and walk 4 miles to work everyday. This, a couple years ago, could not be even thought of as possible. Today, I’ve taken on the challenge, albeit unwillingly. I should be happy that I can even do it at all. And in retrospect, I will be. As Joel Osteen, the minister, says, “God is stretching me to a new level.”
But right now, I’m exhausted, tired, scared, you name it, I’m it.
I need to keep telling myself, that this is just temporary. I may not be able to do this by myself, but I am not by myself. With God, who has gotten me through the unspeakable last few months, He can also get me through this. I am not being punished. I may not even being tested. I am growing. And sometimes it hurts like hell, to grow.
This video, which my priest at my church showed me, helps so much. When I think I can’t go one more step, this reminds me why that one more step is the most important. It’s shouting to the world and everything that would hold me back, “Oh no! You don’t get the last say! I do- along with God. And the day isn’t over until I say it’s over. There. (Taking a step, then for good measure, taking another.) NOW, I’m at the 212th degree. I showed up and gave it my all and then some.”
Now, I can close the day. I pour into bed.
In the morning, back to boot camp.
Until, somehow, I’ve graduated this period of my life into something so much more magnificent, I will look back and see why it was all worth it. I already know How. He’s with me right now.