Hatred.

Hatred is crushing. Some people seem to feel stronger with hatred in their heart, letting it take over and doing battle next to them. I feel lost in it. I’m not used to hatred within me. It is  more than uncomfortable- it’s a self-feeding, voracious, imploding parasite that sucks out and destroys any hope, any goodness, and thus for me, any life.

I find I need to hold onto goodness with all my strength, for my life to work. I need that hope, to have the courage to even face a sunrise. It’s why I need to notice the Grackles’ song, and a tiny blue rosemary flower, and baby pine cones, and if the sunset looks like a setting pearl that evening, and most of all….the radiant smile of a complete stranger (the kind that comes from deep within and makes their eyes crinkle and smile along with their lips). I NEED those things to live, as much as the air I breathe. And so I do my best to give such kindnesses in return, because I know how much they can mean. How much simple kindnesses can turn a day, let alone a lifetime, around. One act of true kindness, love, can turn around a soul.

Anger is different than hatred. I have learned to do anger very well. Years ago, not so much. I used to self-direct my anger because it felt so out of control for me, and I didn’t  know how to express it to others. How to talk about it. But like I said,  I learned. Now, after deciding whether or not my anger is worth expressing (sometimes it’s not) over the valid misdeeds of others, my words are quick, insightful, sharp. Of course, like anyone else, sometimes I don’t think before I speak. Working on that. But most of the time, my cutting remarks are calling “bullshit” when bullshit has been piled high. I just have no time for it, and need to move it out of my way, quickly, usually by handing the shovel back to those who own the bullshit. Asking for help and trying to enlist my collusion, are also two different things.
But hatred? Hatred has come to visit me recently.

It is an unwelcome visitor. I do not want it.  But it has appeared inside of me, never invited, over-staying; nonetheless, I must have let it in.

It’s true–one should guard the company they keep.

If others around you are filled with hatred, and feel vindicated and justified by it, like a new-found epidemic without a vaccine it can spread like hell-fire.

Still.

Callousness, cruelty, lies, manipulations, coercion–rusty swords that find their way back to the original injury only to pierce again…. does it matter how the hatred got there? Not really. What matters is it’s on the inside- it has gotten in- but it cannot take root. Or I believe, at least for us who are committed to Light, we cannot let it take root or we are lost.

I’m not just talking of the great hatreds and hurts in the dark realm of the soul – the little hatreds can inflict harm also. Day after day, the loveless messages can be just as insidious and parasitic. These are the “little” acts where a person does not intend to deliberately act out of hate, but neither do they choose to love.

The song “Chances Are” by Sheryl Crow resonates with me lately. It reminds me of the incredible cruelty people can inflict upon each other just by simply not caring, not seeing, not inconveniencing themselves, or not wanting to make the effort. They. Just. Drive. By.

I’ve been praying hard lately. I’m frightened of this hatred seizing and killing all that I’ve worked so hard on:  forgiveness, healing, understanding, compassion. I fear it. And I don’t know how to fight it.

I don’t believe hate is ever justified. Ever. It is the adversary of Light and everything I live for.

So finally in my prayers, I cried, “I don’t know what to do with this. It’s too heavy. I don’t want it. I don’t know how to fix it.  I don’t know how to let it go. I don’t know what to do. And it’s killing me.”

The still small voice within, simply answered, “Give it to Me.”

So I did, and I shall.
And “chances are”…I will make it back.

By the way, will you notice the sunset today? I will make an effort to, if you will do so with me.
-KaiCarra
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