It used to be that when a new neighbor moved into a community the existing neighbors would bring over goodies and introduce themselves. Maybe they were being neighborly, or maybe they were just nosy and had nothing better to do. But it was nice, wasn’t it?

These days in our busy world, unless we live in a megacomplex where we may as well be in each other’s living room because we share the same air vents, water heaters and third floor stairs without an elevator (yes, I’m speaking from experience) we don’t really know our neighbors. What’s more, in the Communication Revolution we are living in, ironically,  it has become easier to connect with strangers and give our unending-but-so-important opinions on EVERYTHING, while making friendships of depth and substance has become increasingly difficult.

Eye contact is avoided. We text and walk- trying to avoid walls and tripping over curbs. Smiles are considered intrusions of privacy rather than just a pleasantry. We live in a world where we share everything, but our true selves.

That’s why I thought I would give some of my tips on meeting new people and making friends.

First, you must have a captive audience. I really like elevators, because everyone’s personal space has already been invaded, but they can’t go anywhere. Movie theaters will also work; no one cares about the local ads flashing on screen before the film begins, and you just know that most people will find you much more interesting.

But the best place I found to make new friends is standing in a very long line for the ladies’ restroom. We all have so many things in common- we are ladies, nature is calling us, and we all share a huge frustration that in this day no one has thought to build more ladies’ stalls than men’s urinals. Those three things are more than enough subjects to start a meaningful conversation.

I have met so many great people this way: Leeme Alone became my best friend at a ball park’s half-mile long line to the restrooms. I just love that girl.

At the movie theater, because there is a stage right there, I just get up, start humming, and show off my tap-dancing skills. I find this inspires many people. I met my other good friend, Iwannabe Astar, in this manner. She joined me on the stage, and after my tap-dancing, she taught me wave-dancing-twerking. It is just as it sounds- very difficult with advanced muscle coordination required. I will be forever indebted to her. People even wanted to give us popcorn after our performances- I can’t tell you how much we scooped up from the stage. Unfortunately, their aim wasn’t as good as their zeal, and they missed our mouths when they threw it to us. But Iwannabe and I certainly appreciated the thought.

Finally,once I was throwing a fine dining dinner party and I invited thirty of my closest friends, set up beach chairs at my volleyball court and slaved over my famous gourmet escargot-chocolat-chip-cookie casserole that I invented, in honor of France, as the main course. Well, I was amazed – the flu hit all thirty of my friends at the same time, and no one could come for dinner. Not even Leeme Alone. I almost had to go to my curio cabinet, pull out my tiara, and begin  Crown Therapy again. I could have gotten very depressed over the waste of perfectly good snails, but I didn’t. I came up with a better idea!

I headed downtown to the largest finance building just as everyone was done with their workday. Suits. Dozens of hungry people all dressed up in suits- just longing for a dinner party to come to them!

Replete with my snail-chocolat casserole I rode the spacious elevator to the top floor. A horde of suits filed into the elevator, and when the doors closed,  I introduced myself to each and every person, gave them my autograph, asked their name (people need to feel important), offered them a slab of escargot-chocolat-cookie casserole (most were so sweet and polite they said ‘no’) and told them how beautiful and attractive they were. Overcome with emotion, one woman cried. I was so touched by her reaction that on the third floor I broke into song, serenading my new friends with  “Happy, Shiny People.” When  we reached the first floor and I skipped out of the elevator, they all clapped! In fact, I was given a standing ovation! And one person was so concerned for me and my safety, he asked security to be my personal body guard and escort me to my car. How dear he was! The Suit just knew that I was going to be “quite somethin” and advised me to “get used to the attention”. What a treat. It was as good as my escargot-chocolat casserole.

What can I say? Karma works.

So take my advice and make new friends! Don’t hide behind your phone, texting and bumping into walls. Practice your tap-dancing and vocal exercises! And if you want to try my gourmet recipe,  let me know. I will even throw in my autograph. Just make sure you make  the casserole on a rainy day when the snails come out.
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With Much Love,

Uwishu Wereme, in Aprilfools, TX (The Great State of Textless) 😀

 

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